Friday, March 26, 2004

So, Condoleezza Rice won’t testify publicly before the 9/11 commission or the families of the victims, but has plenty of time to go on morning shows to slam Richard Clarke. Hmmmm...what can she be hiding? I think I know what she’s afraid of. Here’s one possible scenario about what might happen if Condi speaks publicly to the commission.

DEMOCRATIC SENATOR: Ms. Rice, it has been noted for this commission that in December 2000, the president-elect and his staff, including yourself, were briefed that Al Qaeda was very close to executing a catastrophic attack on the U.S. homeland. Is that true?
CONDI RICE: Senator, we were briefed on certain conditions, and prepared to take swift action after President Bush’s inauguration and the full instillation of the officers of this administration.
DS: So you’re saying the incoming administration had a plan?
CR: A very tough and concrete plan for dealing with Al Qaeda, yes sir.
DS: But that plan was never executed, was it, Ms. Rice?
CONDI’S LAWYER: One moment, sir.
(Condi and her lawyer whisper furiously for 30 seconds.)
CONDI: No, sir.
DS: And the reasons for that?
CONDI’S LAWYER: One moment, sir.
(They whisper again. Careful listeners notice that the word “dickhead” is uttered at least twice, once by Ms. Rice, and again by her lawyer.)
CONDI: I cannot explain these reasons due to issues pertaining to national security.
DS: Ms. Rice, need I remind you that America is watching, and has a right to answers.
CR: Sir, America’s security...
DS: Ms. Rice, it has been alleged before this commission that President Bush was in possession of a plan crafted by the Clinton Administration to kill Osama bin Laden. Is that true?
CR: Yes, sir.
DS: Then what happened to that plan, Ms. Rice?
CR: I don’t know, sir.
(Urgent mumbling from the commission members and viewing gallery)
DS: Ms. Rice, might I remind you that you’re under oath.
(Rice and her lawyer confer again – the words “dweeb” and “assmunch” are both uttered a touch too loudly, causing the commission chair to reprimand Rice’s lawyer, who responds by saying he’s sorry and that it won’t happen again.)
CONDI: I do not know the current whereabouts of the plan, Senator.
DS: But the president did have this plan?
CR: Yes, sir.
DS: And now you don’t know where it is.
CR: That’s correct.
DS: Ms. Rice. Be honest. The president lost the plan, didn’t he?
CR: (Pause, and then) Yes, sir.
(Loud rumblings from the viewing gallery. The chair bangs a gavel loudly and screams “ORDER,” which baffles everyone assembled since they’re not actually in court.)
DS: Where did the president have the plan last, Ms. Rice?
CR: Sir, we believe the president had the plan in the kitchen of his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
DS: In the kitchen.
CR: Yes, sir.
DS: What was he doing with the plan in the kitchen, Ms. Rice?
CR: Making nachos, sir. The President is a big fan of nachos.
REPUBLICAN SENATOR: Point of order, Ms. Rice. Does the president use homemade guacamole, or the store bought kind?
(Condi confers with her lawyer)
CR: Store bought, sir.
(More loud rumbling from the gallery, including a few distinct “tsk, tsk” noises from several elderly Hispanic women.)
DS: Senator, if you don’t mind. Ms. Rice, if the president had the secret plan to kill Osama bin Laden in the kitchen while he made the nachos, then how did the plan get lost?
CR: Sir, it is believed that precisely seven minutes after placing the nachos in the oven, the president realized that...
(Her lawyer puts his hand on her arm to stop her, but...)
DS: Sir, you will let Ms. Rice finish, or you’ll be held in contempt of Congress. Ms. Rice? What did the president realize?
CR: That he had left the secret plan to kill Osama bin Laden on the bottom of the baking sheet.
(The crowd rises up in screaming disbelief.)
DS: So the plan to kill Osama bin Laden was burned, then.
CR: Actually sir, the paper escaped unscathed. The president forgot to turn on the oven.
DS: So the president then retrieved the plan?
CR: Yes, sir.
DS: So the plan was alright.
CR: Not quite. Several key passages were rendered unreadable due to the grease from the guacamole.
REPUBLICAN SENATOR: Ms. Rice. I feel I must interject here. Was the president not aware that had he made the guacamole from scratch, using fresh avocados, then there would have been significantly less grease?
DS: That is immaterial, sir!
RS: I’m just saying that homemade guacamole, perhaps made from real California avocados, might have prevented this catastrophe, therefore preserving the plan to kill Osama bin Laden.
DS: Will the Senator from California please pipe down? The guacamole stains only covered certain details, not the entire plan, isn’t that correct, Ms. Rice?
CR: Yes, sir. Only a few operational details were rendered unreadable by the guacamole grease – troop disbursements, ammunition storage capability, things of that nature.
DS: But you said the plan was lost. Surely this was not due to the guacamole.
CR: No, sir. That was because of the dog.
DS: The dog, Ms. Rice?
CR: Yes, sir. The president’s dog smelled the guacamole on the paper, and grabbed it from the president using her teeth.
(Condi’s lawyer, muttering “fuck this” under his breath, gets up and walks out.)
DS: Ms. Rice, are you actually telling this committee that ultimately, the United States of America was without a plan to kill Osama bin Laden because the dog ate it?
CR: No, sir.
DS: Thank god.
CR: She buried it.
DS: I’m sorry?
CR: The dog ran away and buried the plan somewhere on the ranch.
DS: And the president made no effort to catch this dog?
CR: Not true, sir. The president grabbed hold of the leash, but was dragged by the dog.
DS: What kind of dog was this that it could drag the President of the United States?
CR: That would be a spaniel, sir. But a very feisty spaniel.
DS: What about the Secret Service? Couldn’t they grab hold of the animal?
CR: No, sir. The Secret Service were tied up.
DS: Wait – are the saying the Secret Service left the president unguarded because they were busy elsewhere?
CR: No. I mean they were literally tied up. Around the legs. By the leash.
DS: Ms. Rice....
CR: The dog managed to wrap the leash around the President’s legs, and when the Secret Service tried to intervene, the President wouldn’t hold still, so the leash would up tied around the three of them.
DS: But if the leash had the three of them, then the dog would have been constrained!
CR: He was. Right up until the time the neck collar snapped.
DS (removes glasses, rubs eyes) OK, Ms. Rice. So once everyone was finally untied, did they attempt to retrieve the plan from the dog?
CR: Of course.
DS: And?
CR: The dog appears to have buried the plan in the woods. Secret Service dug up the grounds for days, but the document was never recovered.
DS: Ms. Rice – surely this could not have been the only copy of this document.
CR: Unfortunately it was, sir.
DS: How is that possible?
CR: When the President printed out and then closed the document, he somehow did so without saving it.
DS: That’s virtually impossible.
CR: The President is a very special man, sir.
DS: Alright. Alright. Ms. Rice, seeing as how the administration botched this so horribly, can you tell us if any steps have been taken to prevent such things from occurring in the future.
CR: Yes, sir. The President no longer has access to any classified documentation related to national security.
DS: OK. Well, that’s something. And on that note, we’ll take a short recess for lunch. Who’s up for Chili’s? The nachos and guacamole are on me!
RS: Really, sir, we’d be so much better off if the guacamole were homemade.
(Both men have a laugh as the families of the 9/11 victims weep quietly in their seats.)


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