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Thursday, December 18, 2003

GEORGE AND SADDAM’S HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, here now to bring you their own special version of holiday cheer, your emcee’s for the evening, President George W. Bush, and Saddam Hussein!!!

(Crowd goes wild – George and Saddam tap dance in from stage left, each with top hat, white tie and tails, and holding one of those dance baton thingies Fred and Ginger used to use. They sing a few verses of “I Get a Kick Out of You,” and end with George dipping Saddam as the crowd cheers them on.)

Saddam: Hello everyone, and welcome to our extravaganza! We are so happy to see you! Are you happy to see us?

Crowd: Booooo! Boooo!

(Various heavy items, such as batteries and fruitcake, are thrown from the crowd)

Saddam: Looks like people aren’t that happy to see us.

George: What you mean us, kemosabee?

(Crowd laughs)

Saddam: Oh George, you slay me.

George: Well, if I have my way.

(Crowd laughs and cheers.)

Saddam: OK, but seriously, we’re not here to express the decade-long animosity you and I have for each other and our families, but we’re here to put on a show. How is your family, by the way?

George: They’re great. Dad’s never been happier.

Saddam: Yes, I’ll bet.

(Knowing laughter from the crowd.)

George: And how’s your family, Saddam?

Saddam: Well, my sons are dead.

(Silence. Crickets.)

George: Yes. Well. Maybe we should just sing a song.

(Crowd cheers)

Saddam: What a wonderful idea. Let’s a sing a song. Any ideas?

George: How about that song that goes, “I Fought The Law, and the Law Won?”

(Crowd snickers)

Saddam: Now Georgie, you never stop teasing.

George: I’m a kidder. I’m known around the House of Representatives for my sparkling sense of humor.

Saddam: Yes, and for strong-arming Democrats.

George: Well, Saddam, when it comes to strong-arming, I think most people would agree, “you’re the tops.”

(They go right into a verse of Cole Porter’s “You’re the Tops.” The crowd sings along.)

Saddam: Well, George, that was fun, but seriously, you don’t give yourself enough credit. I heard about the protestors beat up by the police in Miami, and the “Free Speech Zones” in Washington. Genius. I had a free speech zone in Iraq, as well. I called it “my house.”

(Saddam laughs, crowd begins to get unruly, booing, hissing, ripping the chairs out of the floors and hurling them toward the stage. One wizzes past George, and the secret service pounce on the man who threw it and beat him to a pulp. Crowd cheers. After that, crowd is subdued.)

Saddam: Boy, you run a tight ship, George.

George: I’m just trying to spread freedom, Saddam.

Saddam: Spreading it like fertilizer, my friend.

(Crowd reacts to Saddam’s joke with indifference - begins to stir in their seats.)

George: Well, Saddam, I see they’re getting restless. Let’s get this party started. I got a surprise for you – so let’s welcome our super duper secret special guest.

Saddam: Super duper secret special guest? George, what have you done?

(From the wings walk three CIA agents, and the doctor who first inspected Saddam for lice. Crowd recognizes his lab coat, and goes wild.)

Saddam: Oh no! Not that guy!

George: That’s right, Saddam, it doesn’t get more crowd-pleasing than this. Ladies and gentleman, who remembers that great video of Saddam being checked for lice?

(Crowd cheers enthusiastically.)

George: Wanna see it again?

(Now they are out of or on their chairs, screaming, ladies ripping off their shirts in excitement.)

George: Alright, here we go!

(The CIA agents hold Saddam down as he screams in protest, and the doctor gives him a thorough exam.)

George: Who wants to see us raise the stakes?

(Crowd hoots.)

George: Guys, we still haven’t found his weapons of mass destruction. We all know where smugglers usually hide stuff. What say we make this a comprehensive exam?

Saddam: No, George, not that! Not on TV!

(CIA agents spin Saddam around, whip off his pants and bend him over. Doctor prepares for the rectal exam, as the crowd goes apoplectic. Woman run toward the stage and throw their arms around George, only to be beaten down by secret service. Saddam flails wildly, trying to escape, to no avail.)

George: Look at him! Look at him, folks. (mockingly) “Please, George, please don’t anally inspect me.” He he. People, are you enjoying this?

(Crowd cheers)

George: Alright, well, there’s more to come, so you just stayed tuned. We’ll be back right after this word from our good friends at Haliburton. Hey guys, let me take a shot.

(George puts on a rubber glove as scene cuts to commercial.)


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