Thursday, November 13, 2003

In light of their banishing the mini-series about The Reagan’s to their Showtime sister network, CBS has announced that they have halted production on "Mother Theresa: Slave Trader," and will also not be proceeding with "Jesus 'H' Christ: The Heroin Years." "Jimmy Stewart: Hollywood Pimp," however, is still scheduled for the spring.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Prince Charles Caught in Mystery Scandal!

Fleet street rocked the world today by announcing the emersion of England’s Prince Charles in a new mystery scandal. The English press are barred from discussing the specifics of the scandal by court order, but assure the world that the scandal is “quite explosive,” and is “definitely a new mystery scandal.”

Details of the scandal are hard to come by, but this much is known - Prince Charles either did or did not do something, with someone, at sometime either now or in the distant or recent past, and if he did this thing, then the thing he did was quite explosive indeed.

In the face of the court-imposed blackout, gossip hounds scrambled to decipher any signals indicating exactly what the scandal might entail.

After an all-night excavation, Ronald Barlane of the Globe uncovered a manuscript carved on parchment in ancient Sanskrit, revealing that a drunken Prince Charles came perilously close to foiling the invasion of William the Conqueror by selling military secrets to the Saxons for a cache of cocoa beans and a bucket of mead.

“If he had prevented the entire Norman invasion,” said Barlane, “that surely would have been punishable by a good bleeding.”

The Globe’s competitor, The Daily Mail, placed a 73-year-old woman known only as Melisma on the roof of their headquarters, naked as a jaybird and armed with only a foil baking pan and a metal coat hanger, to read vibrations from outer space to determine if otherworldly invaders played a part in the prince’s royal shenanigans.

“Don’t be surprised,” said one reliable source at the Mail, “if our little bonnie prince had something to do with abnormal tidal activity, or perhaps sunspots.”

While believing Charles’ proclivities to be extra-terrestrial in nature, the source also added, “and don’t be surprised if our Charles was also seen snuggling with a Spice Girl.”

Not content with conventional reporting methods, the Guardian’s feature staff spent the previous evening shooting smack into the webby area between their toes, then taking every Prince Charles story published in the past thirty years, cutting them up word by word a la William Burroughs, and rearranging them. The result, said one source, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Prince Charles won the 1973 Academy Award for Best Sound Editing for his work on Godfather Part II.

One inventive internet crusader, Bryon Smalls of thisistherealnewsnoreallythisisthetruth pleasebelieveme.com, broke into London’s International Museum late at night, and was able to conclude after reading all the hieroglyphics in the entire Ancient Egypt exhibit that while Prince Charles definitely did not have a torrid affair with Cleopatra, which would have decimated the rule of Pharaoh Ramses II, he might have a had a brief fling with Julius Caesar in an abandoned tomb.

But the final word may come from Jerry Springer, the American TV host who has also met with success on British television. On last night’s show, Springer, assisted by an abused ex-prostitute and two 400-lb women who stole each other’s husbands before finding out they were having a homosexual affair, consulted a Oiuja board, and discovered once and for all that Prince Charles either discovered America, or fucked a donkey.


Sunday, November 09, 2003

Something I didn't realize....

Blog templates can crash just like that. For no fuckin' reason. Whatsoever.


I'll fix the right column when I'm damn good and ready.

Friday, November 07, 2003

Here's the new, “text-based trailer” (patent pending) for this week’s smash release, The Matrix Revolutions.

Darkness. Ominous rumbling bass. Then, suddenly,…


“Neo, get the car!”


“Holy shit – look at them robots!!”


‘Trinity, you’re so hot.”

(Slurp, slurp, loud booming house music, squeeze, slurp, squish)



“The Matrix is saved!” “Yeaaaaa!”

(People dance and celebrate, midgets skip while flinging rose petals, Neo and Trinity kiss while rolling in Neo’s bank receipts.)


Wednesday, November 05, 2003

I saw a sign in a sporting goods store that read, “thank you for not smoking.” I like the concept of thanking people for NOT doing something. So I wrote a letter. “Dear Sporting Goods manager – Thank you for not breaking into my home and raping me in my sleep. Your negligence is appreciated. I look forward to your continued negligence in the future.” Next day, when I got home, I had six cartons of free sporting goods waiting for me, along with a note – “Don’t ever come to our store again.”

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Here’s some inside info. Comedians cannot tell strangers that we’re comedians. Because no matter where we are, their immediate response is “say something funny,” and then we’re on the spot. So when that happens, I come back with, “why did the chicken cross the road?” And they’ll say, “why?” And I respond, “cause he was a psychotic little fuck with a Napoleon complex who wouldn’t listen to REASON!” They leave me alone after that.
Magazine inserts are getting to be a bit much. This week’s issue of the New Yorker comes with two fold-out inserts, a cologne sample, a DVD, a rotating color-wheel for a car ad, four subscription cards, a pop-up ad for National Coming Out Day, postcards for Absolute vodka, and a cat. This may just be me, but I think the cat was a bit much. Especially when I tried to pry it out of the mailbox.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?