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Monday, January 27, 2003

The euphemism “pre-owned” has become the auto industry’s way of avoiding the fact that used cars are, in fact, used, thinking that calling them “pre-owned” will lend an air of distinction to rusty, dented automobiles. In an effort to return a degree of honesty to the once noble used car industry, we hereby suggest these more truthful alternatives.

Pre-puked on steering wheel after mixing Jack Daniels and $25 worth of Taco Bell Burritos Grande;
Pre-earned nickname Kneepad Nina in back seat of;
Pre-cracked its frame driving over a nasty pothole on Delancy St., and now held together with chewing tobacco and hemp;
Pre-trunk used for numerous stabbings like that really bloody scene in Goodfellas (since scrubbed clean);
Pre-original radiator traded for a QZ of Thai stick and a Foghat album;
Pre-French Connection stunt car;
Pre-Airbrushed in electric Day-Glo purple with the words “Vinny loves Angie” on both sides, the hood, and the wheel walls;
Pre-New York Met bullpen car (stench of failure from Satoru Komiyama since scrubbed from backseat);
Pre-original windows shattered by blasting Grandmaster Flash’s “The Message” through 300-watt surround car stereo system with three foot sub-woofer installed in trunk;
Pre-Ranked just below AMC Gremlin by JD Power and Associates;
Pre-Used as Gypsy Cab after losing janitorial job due to closing of Show World;
Pre-Al Sharpton limo (grease from hair gel since sandblasted from backseat)

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Welcome to John F. Kennedy International Airport. You have undoubtedly been told by now not to accept any packages from people unknown to you. For some of you, however, this essential information was not detailed enough. Here, then, is a more detailed list of exactly what you should not accept from strangers before boarding your plane:

Any prescription drugs more than three months past their expiration date;
Advise about the stock market;
Any DVD or video cassette featuring movies with Steve Bauer, Eric Roberts, or Tanya Roberts;
Any clothing made out of hemp;
Any inexpensively-priced coupon booklets good for discounted meals at the Russian Tea Room;
A booklet entitled, “How to Make a Fortune in Internet Stocks;”
Yogurt;
Wooden nickels (LOLOLOL, OH GOD, that one ALWAYS kills me, WHEW, ok, but seriously,..., sorry, I’ll stop);
Videocassettes of any NBC sitcoms from the Fred Silverman era;
Any food item labeled “organic” given to you by a man who looks like he hasn’t washed his hair in over two months;
Any movie made by Madonna, script written by Joe Eszterhas, or album recorded by any cast member from Star Trek;
Any magazine featuring pictures of, or information on, The Hilton Sisters;
A book entitled Trent Lott Traces His Ugandan Roots;
Anything furry, breathing, or pock-marked; (i.e. Lemmy from Motorhead);
The boasting of anyone claiming to be famous because they were arrested on COPS, rejected on American Idol, or peed on on Survivor;
Lox.

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