Sunday, October 20, 2002

The Vatican was upset Monday after a church property in Moscow was turned into a brothel. Representatives said they made the change because there was so much sex happening there already, it just made sense.

Members of a Uruguayan rugby team that crashed in the Andes thirty years ago, and were forced to eat human flesh to survive, won the rugby match that they were supposed to play thirty years before. The team credited their victory to aggressive play, and to the fact that every time someone on the other team had the ball, they would yell, "give me the ball, or I'll eat your flesh!"

According to experts, statements by evangelical leaders like Jerry Falwell, who make disparaging remarks about Islam, undermine public sympathy in Islamic countries for the U.S. war on terrorism. This has been, Reasons to Hate Jerry Falwell, episode 496.

Bill Patton, a 45-year-old Michigan man, was arrested after neighbors allegedly saw him through his basement window having sex with a pumpkin, an incident made more despicable by the fact that Patton had slipped the pumpkin a Roofie.

It was reported this week that the preserved body of a homeless man kept in the studio of the late British artist Robert Lenkiewicz may have been there for nearly 20 years. But at least it was 20 years where he had a home.

Emma Wilson, the daughter of Weakest Link host Anne Robinson, is now hosting a new reality game show for kids on Nickelodeon called Scaredy Camp. The show will feature Wilson scaring the crap out of kids by showing them home movies of her own childhood.

Despite mixed reviews, Roberto Benigni's new film "Pinocchio" has broken Italian box office records for its first weekend, making over seven million dollars. Viewers especially love the ending where, against all odds, Benigni is somehow transformed into a real actor.

President Bush traveled across the country campaigning for Republican congressional candidates, in hopes of helping Republicans regain control of Congress. In an effort to help the Democrats in their fight to gain Congressional seats, Bill Clinton and Al Gore stayed home.

Government worker Ian Jarman has accused his management of sex discrimination for making him wear a tie to work everyday. Apparently, Jarman was forced to wear the tie around his genitals.

The big hit at the Arkansas State Fair this year are fried Twinkies, covered in powdered sugar. The originators of the tasty snack said they brought them to the fair because with the Clintons living in New York, there just aren't enough good reasons left to make fun of Arkansas.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Salt Lake City's NBC affiliate, which is owned by the Mormon Church, declined to air Wednesday's Tonight Show because it featured an interview with the creators of Puppetry of the Penis. The church is extremely offended by a segment of that show in which the two men twist their genitals in the shape of the Osmond family.

Secretary of State Colin Powell was upset by comments made by Harry Belafonte, who compared Powell to a plantation slave, and said that when he "dares suggest something other than what the master wants to hear, he will be turned back out to pasture." Powell denied this, assuring Belafonte that if he ever does something against President Bush's wishes, he will be sold for fair market value.

Sony has bought the rights to "Human Resources," a show already broadcast in other countries, in which the unemployed compete for jobs, money and employee benefits. Critics claim the new show makes light of the tragedy of unemployment, but clearly forget that the show has already aired in the U.S., under the title Celebrity Boxing.

Scientists have developed a way to conduct archaeological expeditions into human genes, making it possible for the first time to examine how the human race has evolved over the past 10,000 years. The most surprising finding? The earliest humans all looked like Carrot Top.

Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is cracking down on immoral behavior in public, after a storm of protest occurred when a man and a woman kissed at a film awards ceremony. In a related story, Pamela Anderson just went down on Kid Rock under a table at a local Krispy Kreme, and no one said a fucking word.

Researchers have discovered the gene that leads to large buttocks in sheep. Some scientists are skeptical about the study's intent, however, since the research team was led by Sir Mix A Lot.

Nippon, Japan's biggest telecommunications company, is developing technology that will allow e-mails to be transmitted through a handshake. So, the next time someone sends you a message about how to enlarge your penis, you'll be able to take the advice in hand.

Newsweek is reporting that Jeffrey Leon Battle, one of the alleged members of the Portland terror cell, was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, but became "very obsessed" with Islam after seeing Spike Lee's 1992 movie "Malcolm X." To prepare him for prison, officials will show Battle the entire last season of "Oz."

Friday, October 11, 2002

La Cicciolina, an Italian former porn star, is offering sex to Saddam Hussein in exchange for world peace, but said that she would do it “holding my nose and closing my eyes.” The offer was immediately accepted, which was surprising, until it was learned that the Saddam Hussein who accepted the offer lives in Freehold, NJ, and makes a living as an air conditioning repairman.

The Federal Paper, a new Washington magazine, is saying that George Bush is having so many problems lately because the Oval Office has bad feng shui. Bush denied this, saying he hasn’t ordered Chinese food in months.

Despite low ratings, ABC must air three more episodes of Push, Nevada so the contest offering viewers one million dollars for solving the show's mystery can be completed. On the upside, odds of winning the million dollars now stand at one in five.

NBC's Today Show canceled plans to broadcast live from Cuba this week after Fidel Castro backed out of a planned segment to instead give an exclusive interview to ABC's Barbara Walters. A spokesman for Castro explained that the leader has had a hard week, and really just needs a good cry.

During his speech Monday night, President Bush tried to convince Americans to support war in Iraq by arguing, "We cannot wait for the smoking gun that would come in the form of a mushroom cloud," thereby confirming that our worst fears have been realized - Saddam Hussein has built the world's largest mushroom gun.

Researchers announced this week that a genetic combination rarely found in whites increases the risk of congestive heart failure in blacks, explaining why they are more likely than whites to get the disease, and thus solving the mystery of Fred Sanford's five heart attacks a week.

Rancosas Valley High School in Mount Holly, Pennsylvania declared that students who violate the dress code would be required to wear embarrassing T-shirts that read "I violated the dress code" and "Property of the discipline office." The policy had to be discontinued, however, when it was determined that it violated the dress code.

Thousands of anti-war demonstrators were joined by actors Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in Central Park to protest any American-led military strike against Iraq. The trio emphasized that they believe war is wrong - plus, if they don’t protest something at least once a month, the three of them crumble into dust.

The number one movie at the box office last weekend was the Silence of the Lambs prequel Red Dragon. Critics fear the series is going soft, however, as Hannibal Lechter has given up consuming flesh with fava beans and a nice Chianti, and now just settles for a burger, a mojito and a spring roll.

A California psychiatrist placed a help-wanted ad for shoplifters in order to test the effects of Prozac in treating their kleptomania. The initial subjects say they are still stealing, but now they’re pretty happy about it.

If U.S. troops enter Iraq they will be given hand-held translation devises that will convert English into spoken Arabic or Kurdish. The same company that manufactures those is also finalizing a device that will translate President Bush’s speeches into English.

A Belgian man died of a gunshot wound after setting booby-traps throughout his house using rifles and explosives, in order to prevent his children from entering the house. Officials called it a tragedy, especially since a few strategically-placed photos of the kids from their elementary-school production of Riverdance would have done the trick.

Greensburg, Kansas is trying to raise money for a life-size cardboard cut-out of Richard Huckriede, to honor him for his 50 years as a soda jerk. The town would have honored its 60-year-old police department, but the guy moved.

Arab-American activists are outraged by Bill O'Reilly's comments in Stuff magazine, in which he said, "the most unattractive women in the world are probably in the Muslim countries." Worst of all, O’Reilly killed any chance he has of getting laid during his next trip to Yemen.

Australian scientists announced that a few drops of lemon juice placed on a sponge and inserted into a woman's vagina can be a cheap, easy-to use solution to protect women from both HIV and pregnancy. Leave it to the Australians to find a nice, innovative solution down under.

Citing U.S. intelligence, Bush said Saddam Hussein and his "nuclear holy warriors" could produce a nuclear weapon in less than a year, while U.S. intelligence agencies estimate that it would not be until 2010, but Bush says when he does the math himself, it somehow adds up to the same thing.

Sunday, October 06, 2002

The Bush administration said it will now classify fetuses as “unborn children.” The administration clarified that the fetuses will not be counted in the Census, although in a bizarre loophole, they will be allowed to vote in any election held in Florida.

A group of high-school football players in Massachusetts turned away a stripper from their pre-game party after a parent hired her to perform, saying, "this is football, we don't do that kind of thing." The players have received nationwide praise for ushering in a whole new breed of football player – what we like to call, the gay football player.

The Bush administration said it will now classify fetuses as “unborn children,” under a government-funded health program. In a related story, it was announced that the text of the President’s speeches will from now on be classified as “unborn words.”

A new WB reality show called The Surreal Life will feature Webster’s Emmanuel Lewis, Mindy Cohn from The Facts of Life, M.C. Hammer, Vince Neil from Motley Crue, and Brande Roderick from Baywatch as they live together for two weeks in a house in Los Angeles. After the two weeks is over, the former stars will stay on at the house, as they have been hired to do some landscaping.

Canadian paralympian Jeff Adams climbed the 1,776 stairs of the world's largest tower in a wheelchair to show the disabled world that some of the biggest obstacles can be overcome. In a related story, I finally got off the couch to go pee this morning after five straight hours of watching SpongeBob SquarePants.

A woman in Auburn, Washington was injured when an explosion ripped apart a storage container, freeing hundreds of her exotic flying squirrels. Viewers can see scenes from this incident in the new film, Bullwinkle Goes To Hell.

At a Democratic fund-raiser, Barbra Streisand sang a parody of her song “The Way We Were,” changing the lyrics to make fun of Republicans. In response, Vice President Dick Cheney sang a song of his own, entitled, “Shut The Hell Up, You Loud Mouth Liberal Whore.”

Scientists said Monday that the Ozone hole over Antarctica has gotten smaller and split in two, while the ozone hole over Anna Nicole Smith continues to expand.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell told 60 Minutes he thought the Islamic prophet Muhammad was a terrorist, one year after he blamed 9/11 on feminists, abortionists and homosexuals. With this year’s quota filled, Falwell is already hard at work on his Stupid Comment of the Year for 2003, when he plans to blame all violent crime on vegetarianism and breast feeding.

Iraq agreed Tuesday to a plan for the return of U.N. weapons inspectors for the first time in nearly four years. However, the deal ignores several key U.S. demands, including access to Saddam Hussein's palaces and other contested sites, and our most crucial demand, that Saddam Hussein “just die already.”

Saturday, October 05, 2002

The Bush administration announced that it would now classify fetuses as “unborn children,” allowing low-income families to obtain health insurance for fetuses, and even embryos. In a related story, former President Clinton checked his sperm into a local hospital for extreme exhaustion.

The Bush administration has come under fire after saying it will now consider fetuses “unborn children,” as some feel this is a move designed to undermine abortion rights. A Bush spokesperson denied this, saying “if we really wanted to eliminate abortion, we would just bomb it.”

Time magazine reported that John Walker Lindh's journey into Islamic militancy was solidified by a homosexual relationship with Khazar Hayat, a Pakistani business man, who urged the American Taliban to go to Islamic religious school. Their relationship will be hilariously re-enacted next week, on a very special “Will & Grace.”

It was announced this week that actor David Hasselhoff left an alcohol treatment program in June after just one day, got drunk at a nearby hotel and ended up unconscious at a local emergency room. Viewers can learn more about it this fall on Hasselhoff’s new reality show, Baywashed-up.

The Oxford English dictionary has formally accepted two Star Trek words, "Klingon" and "Warp Drive." The Oxford definition for both words is exactly the same, reading, “If you’re looking up this word, then get out of your mother’s basement and go talk to a girl, fer chriss sakes! You’re almost 30 – get a life!”

School board members in the conservative Marietta, GA, school district said they don't see the harm in encouraging critical thinking about evolution, even if that means teaching creationism, and in the process, ironically proving that Darwin was wrong.

In his book, ``Leadership,'' Rudy Giuliani wrote that he asked President Bush three days after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks if he could personally kill Osama bin Laden if U.S. forces captured him. Giuliani wrote that he was sure Bush thought he was speaking rhetorically, but a spokesperson for Bush said that that wasn’t possible, since Bush has no idea what “rhetorically” means.

A new self-propelled, artificial intelligence robot vacuum cleaner called the iRobot Roomba Intelligent FloorVac is now being sold for 200 dollars. As soon as it hit the market, Steven Spielberg immediately signed it to a three-picture deal.

Producers of the upcoming Muppets TV Christmas special are denying reports that rapper Snoop Dogg was edited out of the show because of his recent forays into hard-core porn, saying that in fact, Snoop ‘s porn endeavors made him welcome on the set, as they allowed Miss Piggy to “get her pork on.”

In the redesigned October issue of Martha Stewart Living, Stewart for the first time credits six colleagues who work on the magazine. The six say that while they are grateful for the credit, they’re really just happy to finally be allowed out of the basement.

About 6000 people around the country began training this week to learn to become federal airport security screeners. As a result, expect longer wait times at your local McDonalds.

HBO announced that following this season's finale of "Sopranos," it will air "Cathouse," a behind the scenes look at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada where prostitution is legal. Insert your own “Big Pussy” joke here.

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