Saturday, August 03, 2002

A Russian mobster has been charged with fixing the outcome of the Olympic figure skating events. The scandal is especially shocking since it marks the first interaction between organized crime and figure skating since the notorious Scott Hamilton Decoupage Party Massacre of 1989.

Russian sports officials called the charges that the mob fixed the skating competition, “a funny fantasy that belonged in a Hollywood film script,” as opposed to, say, Men In Black II, which industry insiders believe would have been more entertaining as an Olympic skating scandal.

The scandal broke when the Canadian pairs skaters were awarded only a silver medal after delivering a perfect performance, while Russians Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze won the gold despite the fact that Sikharulidze fell on the ice, hit his head against the wall, ripped off his clothes and screamed “I Am The Lizard King!” and then sold his skates to a man in the stands for $3.50 and a box of Krispy Kremes.

The series of interactions between the two countries was unusual. A Russian mobster set up the fix to get a French visa. The Russian judge voted for the French skaters, while the French judge voted for the Russian skaters. One of the French skaters was actually born in Russia. And in the oddest coincidence, the French judge had a secretary named Lincoln, while the Russian judge had a secretary named Kennedy.

The Russians defended the mobster, who was caught on tape telling the French skater he could fix the results of the Olympics, by saying that he was known for boasting. In his defense, they noted that he also told the skater he could bench press 700 pounds, build Ferraris out of old tin cans, and that Lenin’s ghost still calls his Ouija board to seek advice.

When asked why he set the fix, the Russian mobster said he did so in order to obtain a French visa, since he couldn’t get anyone in his own country to indulge his passion for Mickey Rourke.

Arnold Schwarzenegger began a campaign to gain himself political credibility, with the goal of running for the office of governor of California, by promoting an initiative which will raise over $400 million for after school programs.

Schwarzenegger told a crowd at a local fair that “our children are not getting a fair shake,” then adding, “well, your kids, anyway. My kids will be just fine. In fact, my kids will hunt your kids for sport.”

Schwarzenegger said that up to half of kids under age 14 are unattended after school, leading them to crime, drugs, and gangs. “Just imagine,” said Schwarzenegger, “if they are home alone watching trash like Total Recall, Predator, and End of Days, this could be the most psychotically homicidal generation ever – not to mention, they won’t be able to write a decent script for shit.”

Schwarzenegger ended his speech by saying “I hope that I can count on all of you. Thank you very much. I’ll be back.” Then, when this failed to elicit a response, he added, “It’s not a tooomah?”

Many political observers believe the next California gubernatorial race will pit Schwarzenegger against director Rob Reiner, another Hollywood figure turned political activist who has promoted legislation relating to children’s issues. Pundits believe this could be California’s most interesting political race, easily eclipsing Pauly Shore’s run versus Carrot Top for the position of San Mateo alderman.


Thursday, August 01, 2002

Check out my conversation with David Lee Roth. Friggin' Madman.
Everything I do can kill me

In my efforts to remain some sort of healthy human being and not die of a massive heart attack before I’m 40, there are certain things I do to try to keep fit and somewhat in shape. For one, I do sit-ups and push-ups when I wake up, just to keep some semblance of physical activity in my life. And, I have a Caesar salad for lunch (light on the dressing), as opposed to grabbing, say, a Value Meal or something equally fattening out on the street.

Well, two news items appeared on Tuesday that sent my limited-as-it-is fitness program into disarray. First, scientists announced that working out in the morning increases the production of a hormone that suppresses your immune system, thereby increasing your risk of infection. Then, the same day, the FDA issued a recall on Romaine lettuce, since a batch out of Washington was contaminated with E. Coli.

All of which plays into what I have long believed:

Everything I do can kill me.

To further illustrate the futility of even trying to live a healthy and productive life, I did some preliminary research and uncovered other activities which can kill us. Refrain from these, or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.


*Deleting spam E-Mail with subject header “Deleting This E-Mail Can Kill You!!!”

*Inhaling more than three pounds of the dust accumulating on your furniture – but only if it’s been sitting there for over six months.

*Rooting for any participant on The Fifth Wheel.

*The day’s third Vente Frappacino.

*While it may seen sexy, anthrax is not less dangerous if you snort it off someone’s genitals.

*Claiming to love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs or Dirty Vegas if you’ve never actually heard them.

*Asking your mother if you were adopted when you know perfectly well that you were, since, let’s face it, you’re the only redhead in your family, and everyone else gets a Coppertone tan within ten minutes at the beach while you sizzle like bacon and spend the next three days in excruciating pain, and your brothers and sisters are all Deadheads while you favor the subtle country twang of Shania Twain, and besides, deep down in your heart you know that Mom never really loved you.

*Calling information for a number when you know perfectly well it’s in the phone book, which is just in the next room on top of the fridge, you lazy fat ass.


*Watching Fox News Channel, CNN, or MSNBC for more than 30 minutes without a defibrillator handy.

*Watching Bill O’Reilly for five.

*Eating a pint of the new Ben & Jerry’s Big Mac and Fake Popcorn Butter-Flavored Product Surprise.

*Approaching Pamela Anderson while in Kid Rock’s presence, and saying, “Hey Pam, I just saw that video you did a few years ago, and boy, Tommy Lee sure has one tremendous cock!”

*Attempting those mid-air dance steps Christopher Walken pulls off in that Moby video.

*Attempting that seated dance step Christopher Walken pulls off in The Deer Hunter.

*Attempting any stunt ever depicted on Fear Factor.

*Creating Fear Factor. (Alright, this isn’t really fatal – but shouldn’t it be?)

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